Whats going on readers, present and future. Skel here, back with new ideas and questions.
I have been riding high on my latest breakthroughs and the wonders of this new mind set and era of my life. I kinda caught up with myself, grew up, and made advancement all at once. So the three years of " Depression", "Storm", or "Journey" (depending on who you are or the context of the topic LOL) that I put in getting myself to a point where I felt comfortable in this world were not in vain. As with all things that happen to me in life, it was necessary for that time and for my future. I was brought closer to GOD, showed that I could make it through things I never imagined myself even having to experience, and taught me what kind of man I was. It was during this time in my life I started truly identifying myself as a man. Not because of my age, but the merit of my character and mind. Sure I was a little late by my own standards LOL, I should have been doing other things at 30. At least I had vague thoughts and plans that I would. I have gotten over that thought, that was the first thing to change. I have made so much progress and overcome so much in the last 10 years. I am truly and insanely grateful. I keep saying there were times when I really didn't think I would make it or if i wanted to live another day and that is honest and real. I really feel like God spared and saved my life on many occasions. There is a joy in my life that is a familiar comfort from my childhood, where everyday was a gift and enjoyed. Yet still I am not quite as happy as I want to be. I have a longing and perhaps even a need for companionship. I want to be able to share my life with someone. Not a sexual thing or romantic thing, doesn't even have to be one specific person, I just want access to someone who is my friend , who feels like family.
I really miss the idea of family. I miss the idea of belonging somewhere. I am unique, I march to the beat of my own drum. I get it, I have come to embrace it and even rely on it, but it does get lonely. I don't know how to fix this one because only GOD really can. This isn't new at all, as a child I had these feelings or a need to belong somewhere. Yet I never really did, I mean I wasn't a recluse or anything just always felt like an outsider or that I was not getting something that everyone else understood. I am having about a hard time explaining it as I am feeling it. (smile) I think I feel guilty for wanting more then God has provided for me at this time. I should be happy with what I have, especially looking back at what I am coming from, and I am. Its just that there is still a longing. I want to be around people that I enjoy, care about, learn from, and lean on. I want family and friends but I want it a certain kind of way. Is that bad? I want to have good people in my midst so when I encounter those who need Jesus I have more to say then just you need Jesus. I don't know I had gotten to a point when i thought I didn't' need people or want them for that matter. Just miss having real friends.
