Seasons changed, Ideas arranged

Hello out there my blogspot readers, Skel here,


I haven't written anything in a while, and it hasn't been for lack of trying. I have a box full of drafts trying to put in to words how I felt and what i wanted to say. Yet none of them seemed to express or convey what I wanted. Everything just seemed to come to a halt, and I couldn't find any understanding in too many people or things around me. I even went back and reread some of the older entries, hoping that I would get some clarity or inspiration, and I did. It just wasn't enough to pull out anything in me to write. LOL Instead I was provoked in to deep thought, which in turn brought forth some serious prayers and conversations with the Lord. I asked what it was God was trying to show me. I had to know what it was that I was not getting? I believed that it had to be me, so I went deeper into my mind, deeper in to my heart, and deeper in to myself. This reeked with a semblence of depression but it was neccessary. I remember saying that I wanted something better or just wanted something to change, though it didn't really seem like that was occurring, and I still couldn't figure out why.
I seemed to be stuck surrounded by people and things who had no idea what I was talking about or trying to do, and had no intentions on finding out, because of what they felt was being or been done to them. My thoughts, feelings, and predicament was of no importance to them as long as they were fine and i was still breathing. It didn't matter that I was homeless, it didn't matter that I was alone, it didn't matter that I was hurting physically and emotionally, and as long as I had breath I should just shut up and be happy. I got this attitude so much so that I stopped expecting to have anyone in my corner or for me. But GOD. THANKYOU LORD. I can sit here and talk about GOD with as much love, passion and understanding that I do because I had no other choice but to trust him. It was either trust in him or die, literally, and I would have gone straight to hell. Real talk, not because I was a horrible person, (contrary to popular belief) but because my heart was not right. I was holding on to people and emotions that I thought I had dealt with. I felt worthless and that i wouldn't get any kind of REAL love from anyone other then GOD. All because my family and some so called friends had turned their backs on me. But through strangers and other unlikely sources GOD kept me here, even when I wanted to give up ( and I really did ) he kept me here. THANKYOU GOD. I thought that because some formerly important people from my past had reentered my life that i was being given a second chance to do some things right. Only just today it clicked finally, I don't want them back in my life. Especially if I have to fight or do extra to have them there. I have always been a person to warn and let it be known when things aren't right and are subject to going a certain kind of way. My actions from that point might not have been liked, but shouldn't have been unexpected.
I have been pining over fixing my old life instead of really embracing and embarking on something new. If you are not in my life the way you used to be there is a reason, and there is no need for me to sugar coat that any more. I have reached a new place with in myself. Not only am I done with the hell and the storm I had been in for years, but GOD has opened my eyes to certain people in this world. Nothing needs to be said, they know who they are or soon shall. I still have love for everyone who has blessed my life with their presence no matter how short or long, but I have places to go and I am no longer in the business of holding myself back for people who can't get with the program of togetherness, friendship, and/or family. I will never forget you or love you any less, but most important I will no longer try to recapture what we had. It will either be new or nothing at all and i am just fine with that, because GOD always knows whats best.

I leave you with these words: Anything you truly love you should be able to let go, if the love is genuinely reciprocated then it will come back to you .