Hello Good People........ Skel here,
Well today has been a doozy I say. Can you say emotional plummet? I have just been down today, disappointment is a word that keeps coming up in all my writing outlets. I even wrote in my journal today that I refused to be angry with GOD. I can't deny my emotions but I can't deny my faith either. You would think that would be a recipe for an emotional roller coaster but nooooooooo that was a plummet. LOL I saw it going and did everything with in my power to stay positive and look at the bright side and all of those other good defense mechanisms to ill feelings. Thought I was doing okay and then I woke up this morning. It was like who are you and where did you put the normal me.
Your boy been going through a situation for a long time and frankly I am tired of it. I have asked everyone I know ( and some I really don't ) what I can do about it but always get the same answer. I don't know what to tell you. OOOOOOOOhhhhh helpful. I have developed an intensity that is great when its great but on the flip side it can be a beast to control. I have had to be a rock for a long time, well guess I can't say I had to just sort of step in to that role. Guess it's one of the many things that make up me. Now at thirty I am tired of being the one everyone looks to for answers, or ideas, or suggestions, when all of mine go unanswered and unheard. I am angry and resentful, but to no one in particular. More like a certain kind of person. I like people who do and say what they mean to do. Its not by happenstance, or some devious attempt to get some personal gain, but genuine and real. I am tired of having to adjust, rearrange, or postpone my life to fit in to someone else's schedule. Its not a pleasant way to live.
This brand new and great era was one where with my personal limitations I will still be able to support and maintain an enjoyable life. I am still working and pressing towards that but have to admit that by now I expected to see more advancement then I have. Of course I did what I always do, blame myself and try to figure out what I am lacking and why I have not reached my goal by the designated time. I am here and even though its not how I wanted it to be I do acknowledge being in a new place mentally, I just want to feel like I have advanced in the world as well. May be impatience or it could be that I need to revise my focus. Somethings have to change and they may as well start with me. Don't be vain out there, LOL it causes unnecessary stresses in life. LOL
But even with all of these things going on my faith in GOD remains in tact. Its the faith in myself that is being challenged at this moment. I say I am a soldier and a fighter, but that fight seems to be seeping from somewhere deep inside. Disappointment wants to suck away your expectations of good things in life. I have battled her before and she is a very worthy advisory,but if life hasn't taken me out then disappointment can't either. I am still breathing and I vow to press towards my goals and an over all better life for myself and my children. Thank you GOD for your ever present power and mercy.
I leave you with these words: Knowing that Jesus can fix any problem and believing that he will fix yours are two very different things. Where do you fall?
No comments:
Post a Comment